When Silence Is Deafening...

Silence...

Silence provides an opportunity for personal reflection and self-assessment.
Silence makes us take notice of what we may have been ignoring prior to its beginning.
It helps us think.
It can inspire us.
It can make us sad in that we miss what normally fills the void of silence with noise, communication, or company.
Personally, I love quiet.

But you want to know the one situation in which I absolutely unequivocally abhor silence????
Wanna know???

I hate silence when I am giving my lover a blowjob.

In all the years of my marriage, I begged, pleaded and negotiated with FH for the opportunity to suck him. Why? Because I love to please and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have pleased my lover. Aside from that, I love the taste of a man. I love the feel of a man. I love the power and satisfaction I have when my hands and mouth can do to him what he probably enjoys most in the world next to food and sleep. I love loosing myself in what I am doing and I do mean LOOSING myself. How so you ask? Well let's just say I had a lover who I sucked and teased for well over an hour (and for those of you who just thought to yourselves, "OVER AN HOUR????GOSH!!!! HOW DID HE KEEP AN ERECTION THAT LONG???" Well, the blowjob with accompanied touches and caresses lasted that long and I took him from before erection through erection and to ejaculation.. and I eventually pulled myself away... eventually).
It is something I really do enjoy and make no bones about it. Oh how I miss a hard cock... I was sexless before, but now I am really sexless... HELP!!!

Sorry.. getting back on track.. FH said that blowjobs didn't turn him on and that it wasn't me, it was him. I asked him several times both verbal and written. I got the same response.
Mind you, I never asked him to please me. My questions and inquiries were simply for his pleasure only.

Finally, I came up with a plan that I thought would help him get over his fear and convince him that I really really wanted to please him in this way. Here was the plan:

I talked him into letting me give him oral pleasure every day for a week. Each day, it was up to him as to the time and the place and how long it lasted. But on the seventh day, I would be allowed to choose when and where and if I swallowed (which I knew I would). He FINALLY agreed and literally my mouth started watering when he said yes.

The next night was day one. That night he said he was ready. I went upstairs and should have known right then that it would NOT be a good night. FH was naked and laying across the bed. The lights were out, but the room had an aroma of fear. I ignored my self-conscious thoughts and didn't hesitate as I didn't want him to change his mind. I dropped to my knees and went to work. The taste... the smell.. the feel... I had waited so long for that moment. HOORAY!!!!

But as I licked him...
And and as I sucked him...
I noticed he wasn't saying anything. He wasn't moaning or groaning. He wasn't even moving.
There was no noise and no response to me, my hands or my mouth.
I took this as a challenge and kept going, but not allowing myself to get completely lost as I needed to pay attention to him.
Time passed.
Still nothing.
For over half an hour FH laid there in silence as I sucked him.
It was the loudest silence ever.
I wanted to just cry.

I finally decided that he was not having a good time. I stopped and did what he normally required in order to cum. When he came, he came rather hard, but it didn't help because my feelings were already smashed. He collapsed from exhaustion and I cried myself to sleep in my pillow. Needless to say, the seven day plan failed horribly and I never metioned oral sex again.

In my opinion, rejection that is communicated through silence is probably the most devastating. You have no idea what is going on in your lover's head and they are keeping all verbal encouragement or punishment away from you. You work harder, but to no avail. You keep thinking it is you and you must be doing something wrong. You rearrange your approach and redirect your attention. You recalculate.
Still.. nothing.

Emily Dickinson said, "saying nothing ... somtimes says the most." Under most circumstances, I agree silence shows power and composure and would be hard to ignore or refute. But in the case of sexual satisfaction and intimacy, silence can kill a person's confidence as well as create distance and lack of trust that didn't exist prior.

On than night, I realized I had failed with my plan and failed to help him. I knew instantly how millions of men in this country feel when their wives reject them verbally or through cold and lackluster responses. I promised to never make anyone else feel how I felt that night.

I know I have failed at many things.
I have made my fair share of mistakes.
But the silence I received in return for my gift of love was like nothing I had ever experienced.
I certainly hope that my future relationships are not like this, but honestly, it will take more for me to open up and let my complete self show in terms of sex and pleasure. I will have questions and doubts and the fear of another "silent night" will always be looming in my mind.

(sigh...)

And with that, I will be silent and listen to your thoughts.

Danica