One piece of clarity I got from my divorce is this: Should is not what is.
He "should" have been different.
He "should" have wanted to have sex with me.
He "should" have worked hard and matched my interests in our marriage and loving each other. I "should" have tried harder.
I "should" have been more patient.
I "should" have been sexier.
What was or "is" ... is the fact I married a person who was incapable of loving and had sexual issues and was not willing to learn differently or at least try.
Here is what else I knew at the time:
1. I knew we were friends.
2. I knew we liked each other.
3. I knew we were an excellent team.
4. I knew we were intellectually on the same planet.
5. I knew he tried hard in life.
6. I knew his faults and the issues he faced with his family.
7. I knew our differences.
8. I knew.. or thought I knew he loved me.
9. I knew he was an organized man with the ability to make good decisions (although often selfish ones)
10. And finally, I knew that with all of this knowledge in my head, nothing is absolute or guaranteed in life or marriage. All I could do was give it my best shot.
I knew all this and still it wasn't enough to help him realize I loved him in spite of all the challenges he had personally or we had as a couple. When things started to change, I did start to question if I made the right decision to love him and marry him. But I quickly decided that I had made the right decision to marry, but I was in my marriage completely alone.
Ok.. what sense does that make?
What I am trying to say is the decision to marry and going through with it in and of itself is not bad. Marriage is the joining of two hearts with good intentions and high hopes for a unified future. I certainly had high hopes for us and for him as an individual. I believed in him and wanted the best for him. The marriage from my side was fine. It was his lack of interest that was the problem.
Sitting here today, after my divorce and with everything settled, do I regret marrying FH?
No.
Was he the wrong man for me?
Absolutely.
Does this make sense? Gosh I hope so...
Tell me if it doesn't..
Danica
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8 comments:
Cardman:
You said it.
I have high hopes for myself because I am aware of what went right and what went wrong. I do wish him the best, but believe me when I say, he is not at all aware.
Thanks for your comments.
Danica
Danica, you mentioned "I knew his faults" but this was actually not quite correct as you overlooked the show stopper that resulted in your divorce. Marriage is often thought of as a 50-50 proposition when in fact, to be successful, it really has to be a 150-150 deal. You have to be willing to bend sometimes to your partner's needs but likewise your partner must also be willing to fulfill yours, without reservation. And contrary to many who believe this, marrying someone never really changes them later on so you must go into a marriage with your eyes wide open to your partner's personality, warts and all. And btw, you will in time meet Mr. Right - count on it.
Danica,
Me being in a similiar situation. I know it is very easy to blame yourself.
What was the sex life going into the marriage. Did you see signs of this coming? Was his sex drive deminished going in?
That is the way it was for me.
I like a fool bought in to the concept that sex isn't everything in a relationship. While it isn't everything, in a loving relationship it can be a big part. And with out it, a relationship is doomed to fail.
I know I don't have answers and actually only raised more questions. But the one thing I have seen in hindsight is sex is more important than most want to believe. and all too often people find out the hard way. As you and I have seen.
First of all marriage is damn hard. I've married nearly 13 years. We've definitely have had our ups and downs. The key was two people wanting it to work (or the person that left had to have the kids LOL). Any relationship that does not have two committed people in it is doomed to failure. FH sounds like he was unwilling to bend. Although it is right, that one will not change during a marriage, the trick is to find a person whose faults you can stand. If you can't then don't marry him because you will not change him. Just ask Wife.
All of you are correct.
You must love him for him as you cannot change him. I loved FH for him. But he didn't love me enough to fuck me after we were married.
Rob: He didn't show any issues with sex until about six months after marriage. I was completely fooled.
Next time I will ask more questions.. you can bet your bottom dollar on that.
Danica
We all have regrets of different parts of our lives. Things we wish we would have done differently. If I were you I wouldn't regret being married to him. I think it taught you a lot about yourself, a lot more than you have so far shared here I am sure.
The keys to moving forward is learning from the bumps in the road and try not to get stuck in a huge pothole.
Right on Jon...
That was exactly what I was trying to say in my post, but you said it much better.
Danica
He sounds like he used you for some reason or other, why else would he have married you if he didn't really "want to" ... as it seems he didn't in retrospect from your writings. Was he trying to get a green card perhaps?
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