My Story.... Just the Facts Darling...

I could write all night about my marriage. But what matters now are the important and most recent facts only. I was married. I have no kids. I am now divorced. I left my ex (whom we will refer to as FH ...for "First Husband" as I fully expect and desire to have a "Second Husband"). Why did I leave him? I thought you would never ask!

I had a sexless marriage. It went sexless pretty quickly, within the first six months. Making love was rare.. Every three to four months, if I was lucky.
I tried.
I begged.
I cried.

I talked.
I wrote.
I discussed.

I wondered.
I hoped.
I prayed.

Notice each statement started with "I". I was the only interested party in sex and the only one who ever brough it up. I was the initiator 99.6% of the time. It was exhausting and my dirty little secret. I felt translucent to the world, but specifically to every man on the planet. I mean, if the man I loved could see through me, so could everyone else because he was supposed to love me, desire me, and cherish me.. right? And I did have rings on my fingers that supposedly said, "I am a woman, but taken. Approach with Caution". Honestly, some days I felt like dropping to my knees and sucking the first willing man just to prove to myself that there was nothing wrong with me or to hear someone say it was ok that I enjoyed sex and pleasing a man.

Then.. it hit me. It wasn't MY problem. It was him. It had to be. What normal man with a normal or at least somewhat normal sexdrive, would say no CONSTANTLY to a blowjob and/or sex? What man would tell his wife he was too hungry, to sleepy, to busy, to stressed out for sex.. and tell her this weekly if not daily? If you are one of those men, raise your had right now and tell me why. I really need a hint here and some direction.

Moving on...
I eventually accepted that it wasn't my fault. It was at that point I had a decision to make - I could either live out the remainder of my life with a man unable to connect with me or leave and find another who could. It was pretty simple. I didn't confuse the matter with loving him or the fact we were friends. All of that was still fact and had not changed, but I wanted and needed more from my husband.

FH has issues. I dont know them all. The best I can tell, his perfectionistic approach to life did not allow him to expose and explore his sexual self. He felt he was not a good lover. The truth be told, he wasn't. He had no patience and no enthusiasm. When he touched me, it felt like the last thing he wanted to do and eventually, it became the very thing he never did. I spent most of our lovemaking touching and loving him. Talk about rejection....

So, I told him it was over and that he should leave. I asked for a divorce. He didn't fight me, but he claimed he loved me and "acted" very hurt throughout the process. I was so confused. I was freeing him from the bombardment of ME and MY sex drive and MY wants in life and marriage with little fuss. No more requests for counseling. No more "just tell me what to do" talks. He was free. And now, it is over.

Those are the facts. I will refer to FH often. He helped bring clarity in my wants and needs as a woman and an admitted and unashamed fan of intimacy and sex (GO SEX!!!! I am quite the slut as you will see). I have learned many lessons. I will share and want your thoughts.

But I will also tell you about the other men who have helped shape my views and feelings, two of which are most important. I will also discuss women, hurt, fantasies, and fears.

For today, I know that nothing happens until we decide.
Nothing.
I decided I wanted more.
I feel l I have so much to give. I wanted someone who wanted me.
Is that so terrible?

Talk to me...

Danica