Calling All Men .....
Calling All Men (and women who want to share personal insight).....
I have a very important question for each of you. I would be elated if you took a poll of your friends, brothers, family members, or got other male bloggers to answer this one for me. Ok.. here it goes..
Question One: How important is it for you to needed in your relationship with you lover?
Question Two: Are there certain ways you enjoy being needed more than others? If so, which ones and why? (for example: do you want to be needed more sexually than financially? or more spirtually than sexually?)
Here is my situation: I am extremely independent. I always have been. I have a career, my own money, my own friends, my own stuff. I entertain with myself and go to movies, dinner, shopping, trips - all with myself quite often and I don't think twice about it. I enjoy my personal company.
My father and mother raised me to be this way. Since my divorce, my parents are now deeply concerned that I am "too independent" and since men "need to be needed", I will be alone the remainder of my life because no man will be able to do anything for me. Our exchanges go like this...
Me: WHAT "But mom.. dad.. I can make a man cum seven ways to Sunday.."
Parents: "He still needs to be needed"
Me: "And I can love him...And we can be friends.. and I can be his cheerleader and his support system.. is that not enough?"
Parents: "Danzy, he needs to feel needed. We are concerned you cannot do this and allow yourself to have a need"
Hmmm... I am not sure what to do with their concern and here is why.
I know plenty of women who come across as completely helpless and do few things for themselves. They are needy for lots of things.. money, attention, etc. And some of these same women have wonderful men who do everything for them and they still act needy and sometimes unappreciative. I am not sure if their men love this "neediness" about them or not, but to me it seems exhausting to have to supply every need of a person. I wonder if they were taught to be needy to get a man. It must work because almost all needy women that I meet have a man in toe.
There are those women who literally create ways to make their husband/lover feel needed ..which.. if I was a man I might actually be insulted by. You have to make up a reason to have me around? What is THAT about??? These women have men as well. Lucky them..
Then there are women like me... individually strong and driven who WANT a man and don't necessarily NEED him. I can take him or leave him, but it would be great to have one as a companion/lover/friend. I enjoy them... I like them... I want to love them. What is so wrong with that?
I don't "need" a man to pay my bills unless he wants to do so.
I don't "need" a man to buy me things unless he wants to do so.
I don't "need" a man to take care of me unless he wants to do so.
And even if he wants to do all of these, he can still count on me being his helpmeet. He isn't alone in the process of conducting life. That is just silly. Why have me around if you do everything all by yourself? Doesn't that get old? Do you start to feel like a paycheck?
I am at a loss on this one. I must be doing something wrong.
I did my best to make FH feel loved and look what happened with that. Let me say, I was the breadwinner and there were times when he was unemployed. Yes, he had problems, but... did I fail to make him feel needed? Was I suppesed to do something that I didn't do?
Feedback.. please!!!
Danica
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13 comments:
Yes, it's good to be independent but you also need to share with your partner.
There is a distinct difference between needing someone and being dependant on them. The later stifles and can ruin relationships.
I need to feel wanted, I also need to feel loved. Without those feelings the relationship would be hollow.
We all have our own separate needs. Example: You have a NEED to be independent. We all need to be needed in our own idividual ways. It matters not what answers you get here Dancia what matters is finding someone whose needs mesh with yours and visa versa.
Hugs
Des
I'd agree that an independent person does not want to be shackled to a dependent one. Having my own space to breathe is very important to me. Although I am as independent as they come, I enjoy feeling needed by Wife. I do think it is important to be needed. I think it is important to not be dependent.
To echo mere man:
Wife tends to need me to do things, yet finds ways to critize me. This can cause a lot of resentment. Either do it yourself or let me do it and shut up. Since I am committed to her, I overlook this fault (as best as I can). But, I expect her to overlook my faults too.
Hmmm, speaking for myself, I like to feel needed to give that complete feeling. So I guess it's closer to spiritual than anything else.
As others have commented, everyone's needs can be different. The trick is to recognize what those needs are. In your case perhaps your guy might not need to support your material needs but you should then look to him to support your emotional needs. Everyone (both genders) need to feel wanted and needed in some way. Just wanting someone isn't enough. Your parents do have a point so try to keep an open mind. Bottom line is: know your guy's hot buttons as well as his ego needs.
not trying to repeat what has come before, but I honestly think you are on the right track, personally i find independent women much more attractive and desirous than those needy wretches. everyone needs something, of course, but when that need is transfered to someone else, that is a doomed association. it can only lead to failure. the need to feel wanted, or loved, or respected are different. the trick is finding the right person that fits, that respects you and wants to be with you and you alone. it isn't easy, but it has nothing to do with how you are living your life. as long as that independence isn't overwhelming in a bad way, that might become a turn off, or inhibit you from opening yourself up.
I do have a desire to feel needed. It is sexual, but also other areas too. (if it was just sexual that would be a bit strange) I have always been attracted to independant women. It is sexy to me when a woman lets me take care of her when I know that she could do it herself. That really shows me she cares, and in a round about way satisfies my desire to feel needed in other ways.
We have a former neighbor that stops by once in a while. He's one of the "needy" men. He's divorced, twice and is currently living with someone. TW thinks the only reason he dates someone is so that they can take care of him. You're doing it right. Don't let anyone else tell you different.
On a side note, I tagged you if you're interested.
Have a great holiday! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Answer One: Not very important. I want a woman that is somewhat self-sufficient. I don't mind being leaned on from time to time.
Answer Two: Needed sexually for sure. I don't particularly like being needed financially
There is something to say about men needing to be needed, but I think it is more needing to be wanted. Make sense?
Don't put too much on what your parents are saying. I am don't think that they are realizing people are different today than they were way back when.
FH is just a moron. Leave it at that.
12-27-05
I'd rather be wanted than needed. Independence in a woman is a tune-on for me. If a woman does not need me, but still wants me, that turns me on more than the other way around.
And I really find myself needing to be wanted sexually. So that sexual expression that I have within that I want to share with a woman has someplace to go.
James
All of your comments are right on point.
I hope all of you have been enjoying the holidays!
Danica
I have moved people out of my life because of lying, cheating, dating my estranged spouse and people who betrayed me. I am my own best friend, but I prefer to want someone IN my life because of the enrichment they add to mine. And hopefully I am doing the same for them. But need is not the right thing. I need a job, need to eat, need to pay bills, need tires on my car, need to potty. Hopefully, we can want someone in our life because they encourage us, challenge us, make us feel comfortable with them and in our own skin. Make us feel good about ourselves and they are caring,kind and respectful.
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