ATTENTION MEN: Don't make her compete...

Friendship is powerful.
Friendship is rewarding.
Friendship is comfortable.
Friendship is love.

We all have friends in some form... and hopefully, to all of you reading this blog, you have and have had amazing friendships and you cherish them accordingly.

I feel when a man is seriously considering marriage and saying to a woman, "Excuse me Miss, please love me and share your life with me for the rest of your only life," sacrifices will have to be made along with permanent changes in how that person and his spouse conducts themselves in life because their choices now affect a unit of two.

This weekend a male friend made a shocking, yet revealing statement about the importance and permanence of his female friends in his life. He said, and I quote:

"No woman will ever make me chose between my friends. My friends have been there for me in ways she has not."

Wow.... I mean WOW!!!!
I was speechless...

The conversation was about whether or not he might have put the mother of his child in a very difficult place by maintaining a close friendship with her cousin (of all people). He didn't understand the point I was making, which was the mother of his child should never have to compete for attention or respect.
She should never have to wonder...
She should never have to catch a glimpse of even a *look* of impropriety since often, it is not an actual wrong that has been committed, but instead the thought of the possibility of something uncomfortable happening with a person we love and another woman or man.

In the last post, I told you I had a new interest. I have since reviewed the position of the women in his life and I see some signs that make me uncomfortable.
Personally, I will not compete with a female friend who has not signed up to be there for all the intimacies that marriage and family entails and did not promise her life to my husband. I took the vows, not her.
At this point in my life, I have plenty of friends. I desire something much more than that. In terms of the male interest, I feel should be judicious with my time since I can only control myself. He has shown signs of a similar "female friend fanaticism" and I should take him at his word and respect his actions as what he wants to do, which means there is no room for me.

My friend felt his female friends too valuable to erase. He is right.
I would and do feel the very same way about male and female friends since my friends helped make the story of my life to present day. They have the past. A future spouse steps into the the present and holds the future. I cannot hold on to the past in the same way and expect my future partner to just "deal." Not possible. Marriage and friendships are not equal.

The moral of this story is every friend you have has a family and believe me, the majority of them will choose family first.
We choose our friends.
We don't chose our family which makes them a permanent fixture.
Marriage is the beginning of your living legacy...
It starts generations of bloodlines..
It is important.
Thus, doesn't it make sense to let your life, love and service be directed towards the woman or man who CHOSE to be the one to be there for you for life? How can you say, "Please love me and accept me, but this woman over here stays and you cannot force me to let her go or redefine our friendship." Additionally, what woman would want to make a man feel like he was forced to let a friend go and deal with the unavoidable resentment he will feel for years to come?

Call me stupid...
You can even accuse me of overreacting... or being jealous.
And that is ok. I know how I feel and it is strongly about the presence of uninvited guests in a two-person relationship. No new love interest can compete with your past. All female friends will ALWAYS have years of your life she simply cannot memorize or repeat.

For those of you who find yourself in this situation, please do not make the woman who loves you compete with a female who holds your past. She simply cannot compete.

Thoughts?

Dancia

To Really Trust....

HIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad to be back everyone. My father is doing excellent, which has greatly reduced my stress level and things are moving along in life as usual.

My time away from blogging has produced an array of thoughts on how I live my life. How I see myself as a sexual being..
How I love..
What makes me scared...
How I address my needs or just flat out ignore them to meet the needs of others...
Even how I trust...

To truly and deeply trust another human being is absolutely terrifying when you think about it. To trust again after such trust has been broken is even worse. In my case, after years of loving from afar and my recent divorce.

As a proud calculated risk taker, I trust in cautious increments. I learned this in two ways. First, from a visually challenged friend of mine and second, through my first love. My friend has never had her vision. Thus, she uses her other senses to the max. Our conversations over the years and my observations of her have opened my eyes to how people judge others almost immediately based on what they see.. or at least what they *think* they see. My skin hunger really matured from her advice to pay attention and feel instead of just touching. I owe her so much for helping my trust mature.

My first love (a story I know I have yet to tell you about) taught me the importance of trusting carefully and paying attention to why I am trusting in the first place. I have done a fair job of this since that time, but now, I cannot emotionally afford to do it haphazardly on individuals who are not interested in me or a relationship of substance.

With my body fears and concerns, the last thing I should do is make the trust mistake with a man too soon. As a giver, I get drained by constantly shelling out to others and giving them what they need most. I love to give, but even the giver needs a vacation to refuel for the next time!

I know you are wondering why this sudden question of trust... and if you guessed a new male interest, you are correct.

And I am terrified.

Danica

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am finally back!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father was in the hospital and it was quite stressful for a couple of months. That combined with work made for little personal time.

But I am back Baby!
I know I am way behind, but I plan to catch up. I have so much to share now.

Hugs all around!!!!

Danica

Secondary

Today I am feeling very .. secondary.

And I hate it.

Over the past few days, I have had to deal with some car issues. It has taken a full army just to get a ride back home in case my car has to be in the shop overnight. Why? Because I no longer have a spouse and I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have anyone I can depend on for the little things or the big things. There is just me. And I so hate depending on people when I need help. When you ask a favor, you suddenly feel.. secondary because you are not the primary person in their life. They are not in debted to you for anything. You are important to them, but .. not the primary person, thus no real push to ensure your needs are met.

Wow.. divorce means.. I am not the primary person in anyone's life.
I had not realized this to the fullest extent until now.

I have always been incredibly independent. Yet, marriage caused me to lean on FH a little bit.. not really for money or food or chores.. but friendship.. someone to talk to and someone who, at the time, seemed interested in me and what I had to say. Interested in my needs and my emotions. He didn't do a very good job of this, but he was still there and there were a few things he did well.

Yes, I do have my parents and family, but that is not what I am talking about.
With regards to family, I feel I should say I am doing fine, even when I am not. Same with friends. I don't know about you, but most of my friends call to talk about themselves.. not me or what is on my mind. They *appear* to be listening, but in reality, they are not good listeners as they are not connected with the depth of me or the heart of me. I do have 3 friends who are quite connected to me, but 2 are married and the other one has a new boyfriend, which means I am history as far as long conversations on the weekends or weekly check-ins.

And so now I have to change some things.
I think I have been avoiding it for the past month or so.
I really need to get a grip and rebuild the exterior wall I had before I was married. The wall that allowed me to deal with my issues alone. The wall that made it possible for me to have a sucky day and cry if need be, but be ok after a good cry and tell no one. The wall that made it possible for me to be an excellent friend to every person in my life because I allowed them to dump on me, share and talk all the time while remaining silent and save myself from risking emotional investment of myself.

My wall really worked for me and I need it again.

Does anyone know how I feel?

Danica

Confession Wednesday: Silently Self-Conscious

Greetings All!!!!

Boy have I missed all of you. The past couple of months have been rough and busy. But I think things have finally settled down to a low roar.

It's Confession Wednesday so I suppose I will confess something.
I recall sharing that I am a dominant woman, but I really didn't explain very much or reveal a little twist to my story. So here it goes...

I have always been direct, concise and sure of myself and my abilities in my profession. I enjoy people and learning things about them. Yet, I enjoy being quiet and listening, which I do a WHOLE lot of.

I didn't realize that my dominant nature spread into my sexuality until college.
I had a boyfriend who asked me to tie him up one night. I did. And that was the beginning of a wonderful freedom for me.

Let me be clear, I am not into blood or pain. The type of control I enjoy is completely knowing my man inside and out and knowing I possess the power to make him cum like no one else can. I like knowing I can touch him or take him and that he allows me to do so.
The thrill of the power to please.... It really is better to give than receive.

Here is the twist:
It is hard for me to imagine the pleasure I release on my man/partner being returned to me. Behind closed doors, I am shy and self-conscious about that type of vulnurability. EEK!!!!! I was naked with FH all the time (as you know) so I was not shy with him. I was used to him at least seeing me in my nakedness. Had he been interested in making my toes curl the way I made his curl, I probably would have been relaxed at first, but to receive the kind of pleasure I dish out... I am not sure I could fully handle it.

Why? Well, I would want to make sure he was pleased and I would miss the control I am so used to having. Being in control of my next move and visually drinking his responses to my touch. Secondly, my mind would be racing with thoughts. Those two things would make it so hard to relax... at least I think.

Releasing my body to another has always been a source of silent fear for me.
I was open and willing to do it in my marriage, and believe me that took some time. But now.. I am terrfied to try that again. There is so much comfort in control and providing pleasure to another. By providing, I am able to measure their happiness with what is going on that very moment and know for sure I have provided what they needed and desired. My mind can saturate itself in creative thoughts and not self-conscious ones.

And so goes my confession.


Danica

A comeback is coming

There are not enough words or phrases to describe how stressful and busy my life has been since before the holidays.
All I can say is I really need a vacation and soon. My body is showing signs of stress and strain and I better listen.

I will be back this week. I promise!

I pray each of you had a wonderful holiday season and are having a terrific start to 2006.

Much love,
Danica