Today I am feeling very .. secondary.
And I hate it.
Over the past few days, I have had to deal with some car issues. It has taken a full army just to get a ride back home in case my car has to be in the shop overnight. Why? Because I no longer have a spouse and I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have anyone I can depend on for the little things or the big things. There is just me. And I so hate depending on people when I need help. When you ask a favor, you suddenly feel.. secondary because you are not the primary person in their life. They are not in debted to you for anything. You are important to them, but .. not the primary person, thus no real push to ensure your needs are met.
Wow.. divorce means.. I am not the primary person in anyone's life.
I had not realized this to the fullest extent until now.
I have always been incredibly independent. Yet, marriage caused me to lean on FH a little bit.. not really for money or food or chores.. but friendship.. someone to talk to and someone who, at the time, seemed interested in me and what I had to say. Interested in my needs and my emotions. He didn't do a very good job of this, but he was still there and there were a few things he did well.
Yes, I do have my parents and family, but that is not what I am talking about.
With regards to family, I feel I should say I am doing fine, even when I am not. Same with friends. I don't know about you, but most of my friends call to talk about themselves.. not me or what is on my mind. They *appear* to be listening, but in reality, they are not good listeners as they are not connected with the depth of me or the heart of me. I do have 3 friends who are quite connected to me, but 2 are married and the other one has a new boyfriend, which means I am history as far as long conversations on the weekends or weekly check-ins.
And so now I have to change some things.
I think I have been avoiding it for the past month or so.
I really need to get a grip and rebuild the exterior wall I had before I was married. The wall that allowed me to deal with my issues alone. The wall that made it possible for me to have a sucky day and cry if need be, but be ok after a good cry and tell no one. The wall that made it possible for me to be an excellent friend to every person in my life because I allowed them to dump on me, share and talk all the time while remaining silent and save myself from risking emotional investment of myself.
My wall really worked for me and I need it again.
Does anyone know how I feel?
Danica
5 comments:
Yes Danica, I know how you feel. I'm pretty much alone, even though I'm married. TW's in the same boat. Her friends call to bitch about their husbands and/or families, but when she needs an ear, they don't have the frickin' time. Me, I no longer have friends to contact. I'm not needy, but it's nice to know you have someone who can help out, even if it's just to lend an ear. I don't have that option and it sucks.
Hey sweetie, I know how you feel and I'm still married. : )
After a break-up it is natural to build that wall. I think anyone would know how it is. We all have our walls, to some extent.
I'm sorry to hear about your sucky day. Remember, life has hills and valleys. The trick is to ride out the valleys.
I feel like this all the time. I think that sometimes I feel that I don't want to tell anyone my issues because nobody would care. I love being there for my friends, and I have some friends that are really great, and would do anything for me. I just feel strange imposing on anyone.
You are not alone.
I sure wish you would return
Post a Comment