Secondary

Today I am feeling very .. secondary.

And I hate it.

Over the past few days, I have had to deal with some car issues. It has taken a full army just to get a ride back home in case my car has to be in the shop overnight. Why? Because I no longer have a spouse and I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have anyone I can depend on for the little things or the big things. There is just me. And I so hate depending on people when I need help. When you ask a favor, you suddenly feel.. secondary because you are not the primary person in their life. They are not in debted to you for anything. You are important to them, but .. not the primary person, thus no real push to ensure your needs are met.

Wow.. divorce means.. I am not the primary person in anyone's life.
I had not realized this to the fullest extent until now.

I have always been incredibly independent. Yet, marriage caused me to lean on FH a little bit.. not really for money or food or chores.. but friendship.. someone to talk to and someone who, at the time, seemed interested in me and what I had to say. Interested in my needs and my emotions. He didn't do a very good job of this, but he was still there and there were a few things he did well.

Yes, I do have my parents and family, but that is not what I am talking about.
With regards to family, I feel I should say I am doing fine, even when I am not. Same with friends. I don't know about you, but most of my friends call to talk about themselves.. not me or what is on my mind. They *appear* to be listening, but in reality, they are not good listeners as they are not connected with the depth of me or the heart of me. I do have 3 friends who are quite connected to me, but 2 are married and the other one has a new boyfriend, which means I am history as far as long conversations on the weekends or weekly check-ins.

And so now I have to change some things.
I think I have been avoiding it for the past month or so.
I really need to get a grip and rebuild the exterior wall I had before I was married. The wall that allowed me to deal with my issues alone. The wall that made it possible for me to have a sucky day and cry if need be, but be ok after a good cry and tell no one. The wall that made it possible for me to be an excellent friend to every person in my life because I allowed them to dump on me, share and talk all the time while remaining silent and save myself from risking emotional investment of myself.

My wall really worked for me and I need it again.

Does anyone know how I feel?

Danica

Confession Wednesday: Silently Self-Conscious

Greetings All!!!!

Boy have I missed all of you. The past couple of months have been rough and busy. But I think things have finally settled down to a low roar.

It's Confession Wednesday so I suppose I will confess something.
I recall sharing that I am a dominant woman, but I really didn't explain very much or reveal a little twist to my story. So here it goes...

I have always been direct, concise and sure of myself and my abilities in my profession. I enjoy people and learning things about them. Yet, I enjoy being quiet and listening, which I do a WHOLE lot of.

I didn't realize that my dominant nature spread into my sexuality until college.
I had a boyfriend who asked me to tie him up one night. I did. And that was the beginning of a wonderful freedom for me.

Let me be clear, I am not into blood or pain. The type of control I enjoy is completely knowing my man inside and out and knowing I possess the power to make him cum like no one else can. I like knowing I can touch him or take him and that he allows me to do so.
The thrill of the power to please.... It really is better to give than receive.

Here is the twist:
It is hard for me to imagine the pleasure I release on my man/partner being returned to me. Behind closed doors, I am shy and self-conscious about that type of vulnurability. EEK!!!!! I was naked with FH all the time (as you know) so I was not shy with him. I was used to him at least seeing me in my nakedness. Had he been interested in making my toes curl the way I made his curl, I probably would have been relaxed at first, but to receive the kind of pleasure I dish out... I am not sure I could fully handle it.

Why? Well, I would want to make sure he was pleased and I would miss the control I am so used to having. Being in control of my next move and visually drinking his responses to my touch. Secondly, my mind would be racing with thoughts. Those two things would make it so hard to relax... at least I think.

Releasing my body to another has always been a source of silent fear for me.
I was open and willing to do it in my marriage, and believe me that took some time. But now.. I am terrfied to try that again. There is so much comfort in control and providing pleasure to another. By providing, I am able to measure their happiness with what is going on that very moment and know for sure I have provided what they needed and desired. My mind can saturate itself in creative thoughts and not self-conscious ones.

And so goes my confession.


Danica