LIFE BRINGS CLARITY

Urges

2007-11-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

When it comes to My Dominant nature, I have many different types of urges. Lately, because I have no sexual relationship, my urges are ten times stronger than they would be if I had the ability to express my sexual needs.

Some days I will see a man and literally have to leave his presence for fear of pouncing on him on the spot. Other days I am much more calm and can stare at a man with visions of what I would do if I could just get him alone...in a corner...for a few minutes...

Over the past week, my urge has been pretty consistent. I dearly miss and am craving having a man naked in my presence to use. Every man I see I wonder, "Hmmm... "

If only...

Danica

Do Men Have Body Issues?

2007-08-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

Do men have body issues?
Are they as concerned about how they look in clothes as women are? Do they wonder how their partner feels about their naked body?

The answer may seem to be an obvious "Yes, Danica, we all do." However, in truth, I can see how the majority of men may never have body issues. Can't you? No? Let me explain...

In a 24-hour period, what influences or catalysts could possibly make a man think about his body or the imperfections he may have? My answer is very little. Any thoughts?

Flip the script.... in a 24-hour period, what influences or catalysts could make a woman think about her body or her imperfections? HUNDREDS!!!! From television commercials to clothing hanging in department stores...to the way lotion and body creams are marketed to "reduce cellulite" and "make skin shimmer through its anti-aging and lifting abilities", women are constantly being told "they need to be better and look better than they already do."

The reverse simply is not the case for men.
Men have to seek out the sources that might make them feel inadequate, less than or in "need of improvement." They have to buy copies of Men's Health magazine and the like, but even then, the cover of those circulars are worded differently. If they don't buy such material, they could go weeks or even months without such influences. And the Viagra and similar commercials don't count. Those are structured to help solve a problem for men and get them back in the intercourse game again. They help him feel better about his erection difficulties, not worse.

I get angry when I hear men complain and compare the bodies of women when they themselves could "use a little work." For example, picture this man I work with - balding horribly, sun damaged skin, horrible teeth, not the best dresser, overall not even presentable in a basic way. This man had the NERVE to talk about a woman in the building being sloppy with too small boobs and ugly legs! I wanted to knock his lights out! How dare he comment on her body and looks when he is not a stereotypical prize himself. I know beauty/attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder...and this man could be someone else's dream boat. Still, he really couldn't talk. But he did talk. He felt 100% OK about commenting as to how this woman was "less than attractive" and should "change some things."

Things like this happen daily where I work. It makes me sick.
I wish men would self-assess more and think about how they would feel if people were sizing them up all the time....wondering if they could perform well in bed...judging their bodies... and doing so openly.

Any men out there care to comment?

Let me hear from you.

Danica

Back on Track

2007-07-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Hello World!

As mentioned in my previous post, I have been gone for a littl while due to changes in my family.

But now I am back and ready to write.
I hope you are ready to read and share your thoughts.

Until next time,
Danica

My Mom Died

2007-02-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

My mother died recently.
It was her illness that kept me away.

I miss her greatly, but have adjusted well as she would want me to do.

Just wanted to give an explaination as to what was going on with me.

For those of you who used to read, I hope you return. I have lots to say and even more lessons of clarity I have to share.

Danica

ATTENTION MEN: Don't make her compete...

2006-07-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

Friendship is powerful.
Friendship is rewarding.
Friendship is comfortable.
Friendship is love.

We all have friends in some form... and hopefully, to all of you reading this blog, you have and have had amazing friendships and you cherish them accordingly.

I feel when a man is seriously considering marriage and saying to a woman, "Excuse me Miss, please love me and share your life with me for the rest of your only life," sacrifices will have to be made along with permanent changes in how that person and his spouse conducts themselves in life because their choices now affect a unit of two.

This weekend a male friend made a shocking, yet revealing statement about the importance and permanence of his female friends in his life. He said, and I quote:

"No woman will ever make me chose between my friends. My friends have been there for me in ways she has not."

Wow.... I mean WOW!!!!
I was speechless...

The conversation was about whether or not he might have put the mother of his child in a very difficult place by maintaining a close friendship with her cousin (of all people). He didn't understand the point I was making, which was the mother of his child should never have to compete for attention or respect.
She should never have to wonder...
She should never have to catch a glimpse of even a *look* of impropriety since often, it is not an actual wrong that has been committed, but instead the thought of the possibility of something uncomfortable happening with a person we love and another woman or man.

In the last post, I told you I had a new interest. I have since reviewed the position of the women in his life and I see some signs that make me uncomfortable.
Personally, I will not compete with a female friend who has not signed up to be there for all the intimacies that marriage and family entails and did not promise her life to my husband. I took the vows, not her.
At this point in my life, I have plenty of friends. I desire something much more than that. In terms of the male interest, I feel should be judicious with my time since I can only control myself. He has shown signs of a similar "female friend fanaticism" and I should take him at his word and respect his actions as what he wants to do, which means there is no room for me.

My friend felt his female friends too valuable to erase. He is right.
I would and do feel the very same way about male and female friends since my friends helped make the story of my life to present day. They have the past. A future spouse steps into the the present and holds the future. I cannot hold on to the past in the same way and expect my future partner to just "deal." Not possible. Marriage and friendships are not equal.

The moral of this story is every friend you have has a family and believe me, the majority of them will choose family first.
We choose our friends.
We don't chose our family which makes them a permanent fixture.
Marriage is the beginning of your living legacy...
It starts generations of bloodlines..
It is important.
Thus, doesn't it make sense to let your life, love and service be directed towards the woman or man who CHOSE to be the one to be there for you for life? How can you say, "Please love me and accept me, but this woman over here stays and you cannot force me to let her go or redefine our friendship." Additionally, what woman would want to make a man feel like he was forced to let a friend go and deal with the unavoidable resentment he will feel for years to come?

Call me stupid...
You can even accuse me of overreacting... or being jealous.
And that is ok. I know how I feel and it is strongly about the presence of uninvited guests in a two-person relationship. No new love interest can compete with your past. All female friends will ALWAYS have years of your life she simply cannot memorize or repeat.

For those of you who find yourself in this situation, please do not make the woman who loves you compete with a female who holds your past. She simply cannot compete.

Thoughts?

Dancia

To Really Trust....

2006-06-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

HIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad to be back everyone. My father is doing excellent, which has greatly reduced my stress level and things are moving along in life as usual.

My time away from blogging has produced an array of thoughts on how I live my life. How I see myself as a sexual being..
How I love..
What makes me scared...
How I address my needs or just flat out ignore them to meet the needs of others...
Even how I trust...

To truly and deeply trust another human being is absolutely terrifying when you think about it. To trust again after such trust has been broken is even worse. In my case, after years of loving from afar and my recent divorce.

As a proud calculated risk taker, I trust in cautious increments. I learned this in two ways. First, from a visually challenged friend of mine and second, through my first love. My friend has never had her vision. Thus, she uses her other senses to the max. Our conversations over the years and my observations of her have opened my eyes to how people judge others almost immediately based on what they see.. or at least what they *think* they see. My skin hunger really matured from her advice to pay attention and feel instead of just touching. I owe her so much for helping my trust mature.

My first love (a story I know I have yet to tell you about) taught me the importance of trusting carefully and paying attention to why I am trusting in the first place. I have done a fair job of this since that time, but now, I cannot emotionally afford to do it haphazardly on individuals who are not interested in me or a relationship of substance.

With my body fears and concerns, the last thing I should do is make the trust mistake with a man too soon. As a giver, I get drained by constantly shelling out to others and giving them what they need most. I love to give, but even the giver needs a vacation to refuel for the next time!

I know you are wondering why this sudden question of trust... and if you guessed a new male interest, you are correct.

And I am terrified.

Danica

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

I am finally back!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father was in the hospital and it was quite stressful for a couple of months. That combined with work made for little personal time.

But I am back Baby!
I know I am way behind, but I plan to catch up. I have so much to share now.

Hugs all around!!!!

Danica

Secondary

2006-02-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

Today I am feeling very .. secondary.

And I hate it.

Over the past few days, I have had to deal with some car issues. It has taken a full army just to get a ride back home in case my car has to be in the shop overnight. Why? Because I no longer have a spouse and I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have anyone I can depend on for the little things or the big things. There is just me. And I so hate depending on people when I need help. When you ask a favor, you suddenly feel.. secondary because you are not the primary person in their life. They are not in debted to you for anything. You are important to them, but .. not the primary person, thus no real push to ensure your needs are met.

Wow.. divorce means.. I am not the primary person in anyone's life.
I had not realized this to the fullest extent until now.

I have always been incredibly independent. Yet, marriage caused me to lean on FH a little bit.. not really for money or food or chores.. but friendship.. someone to talk to and someone who, at the time, seemed interested in me and what I had to say. Interested in my needs and my emotions. He didn't do a very good job of this, but he was still there and there were a few things he did well.

Yes, I do have my parents and family, but that is not what I am talking about.
With regards to family, I feel I should say I am doing fine, even when I am not. Same with friends. I don't know about you, but most of my friends call to talk about themselves.. not me or what is on my mind. They *appear* to be listening, but in reality, they are not good listeners as they are not connected with the depth of me or the heart of me. I do have 3 friends who are quite connected to me, but 2 are married and the other one has a new boyfriend, which means I am history as far as long conversations on the weekends or weekly check-ins.

And so now I have to change some things.
I think I have been avoiding it for the past month or so.
I really need to get a grip and rebuild the exterior wall I had before I was married. The wall that allowed me to deal with my issues alone. The wall that made it possible for me to have a sucky day and cry if need be, but be ok after a good cry and tell no one. The wall that made it possible for me to be an excellent friend to every person in my life because I allowed them to dump on me, share and talk all the time while remaining silent and save myself from risking emotional investment of myself.

My wall really worked for me and I need it again.

Does anyone know how I feel?

Danica

Confession Wednesday: Silently Self-Conscious

2006-02-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

Greetings All!!!!

Boy have I missed all of you. The past couple of months have been rough and busy. But I think things have finally settled down to a low roar.

It's Confession Wednesday so I suppose I will confess something.
I recall sharing that I am a dominant woman, but I really didn't explain very much or reveal a little twist to my story. So here it goes...

I have always been direct, concise and sure of myself and my abilities in my profession. I enjoy people and learning things about them. Yet, I enjoy being quiet and listening, which I do a WHOLE lot of.

I didn't realize that my dominant nature spread into my sexuality until college.
I had a boyfriend who asked me to tie him up one night. I did. And that was the beginning of a wonderful freedom for me.

Let me be clear, I am not into blood or pain. The type of control I enjoy is completely knowing my man inside and out and knowing I possess the power to make him cum like no one else can. I like knowing I can touch him or take him and that he allows me to do so.
The thrill of the power to please.... It really is better to give than receive.

Here is the twist:
It is hard for me to imagine the pleasure I release on my man/partner being returned to me. Behind closed doors, I am shy and self-conscious about that type of vulnurability. EEK!!!!! I was naked with FH all the time (as you know) so I was not shy with him. I was used to him at least seeing me in my nakedness. Had he been interested in making my toes curl the way I made his curl, I probably would have been relaxed at first, but to receive the kind of pleasure I dish out... I am not sure I could fully handle it.

Why? Well, I would want to make sure he was pleased and I would miss the control I am so used to having. Being in control of my next move and visually drinking his responses to my touch. Secondly, my mind would be racing with thoughts. Those two things would make it so hard to relax... at least I think.

Releasing my body to another has always been a source of silent fear for me.
I was open and willing to do it in my marriage, and believe me that took some time. But now.. I am terrfied to try that again. There is so much comfort in control and providing pleasure to another. By providing, I am able to measure their happiness with what is going on that very moment and know for sure I have provided what they needed and desired. My mind can saturate itself in creative thoughts and not self-conscious ones.

And so goes my confession.

Danica

A comeback is coming

2006-01-23T06:31:00.000-08:00

There are not enough words or phrases to describe how stressful and busy my life has been since before the holidays.
All I can say is I really need a vacation and soon. My body is showing signs of stress and strain and I better listen.

I will be back this week. I promise!

I pray each of you had a wonderful holiday season and are having a terrific start to 2006.

Much love,
Danica

Confession Wednesday: Naturally Dominant Woman

2005-12-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

I am naturally dominant...
I always have been...
You would be amazed...

When I say dominant.. that is exactly what I mean.
I enjoy sex (as you know)
I enjoy a helpless man at my fingertips...
I enjoy it all, yet I do maintain the need to be taken every now and then and feel the power of my man. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. YUMMY!!!

I would sometimes handcuff FH to the bed and have my way with him. I eventually talked him into being naked at home so I had access to him at all times. As I have said before, he was never wanting for anything, I just had to be creative in how I dominated him since it was guranteed he would not satisfy me. And of course he never really knew what was going on.

My job is stressful, high-powered and demanding.. but I love it, thus I do have at least one avenue for the expression of my energy.

And yes.. I have had subs in the past..
All before my marriage...
But since my divorce.. my urges have returned... stronger than ever.. probably because it has been SOOO long since I have really been fucked.

Sigh...

I have come clean now.

What do you think?

Men: The Need to Be Needed

2005-12-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

Calling All Men .....

Calling All Men (and women who want to share personal insight).....

I have a very important question for each of you. I would be elated if you took a poll of your friends, brothers, family members, or got other male bloggers to answer this one for me. Ok.. here it goes..

Question One: How important is it for you to needed in your relationship with you lover?

Question Two: Are there certain ways you enjoy being needed more than others? If so, which ones and why? (for example: do you want to be needed more sexually than financially? or more spirtually than sexually?)

Here is my situation: I am extremely independent. I always have been. I have a career, my own money, my own friends, my own stuff. I entertain with myself and go to movies, dinner, shopping, trips - all with myself quite often and I don't think twice about it. I enjoy my personal company.

My father and mother raised me to be this way. Since my divorce, my parents are now deeply concerned that I am "too independent" and since men "need to be needed", I will be alone the remainder of my life because no man will be able to do anything for me. Our exchanges go like this...

Me: WHAT "But mom.. dad.. I can make a man cum seven ways to Sunday.."
Parents: "He still needs to be needed"
Me: "And I can love him...And we can be friends.. and I can be his cheerleader and his support system.. is that not enough?"
Parents: "Danzy, he needs to feel needed. We are concerned you cannot do this and allow yourself to have a need"

Hmmm... I am not sure what to do with their concern and here is why.
I know plenty of women who come across as completely helpless and do few things for themselves. They are needy for lots of things.. money, attention, etc. And some of these same women have wonderful men who do everything for them and they still act needy and sometimes unappreciative. I am not sure if their men love this "neediness" about them or not, but to me it seems exhausting to have to supply every need of a person. I wonder if they were taught to be needy to get a man. It must work because almost all needy women that I meet have a man in toe.

There are those women who literally create ways to make their husband/lover feel needed ..which.. if I was a man I might actually be insulted by. You have to make up a reason to have me around? What is THAT about??? These women have men as well. Lucky them..

Then there are women like me... individually strong and driven who WANT a man and don't necessarily NEED him. I can take him or leave him, but it would be great to have one as a companion/lover/friend. I enjoy them... I like them... I want to love them. What is so wrong with that?

I don't "need" a man to pay my bills unless he wants to do so.
I don't "need" a man to buy me things unless he wants to do so.
I don't "need" a man to take care of me unless he wants to do so.
And even if he wants to do all of these, he can still count on me being his helpmeet. He isn't alone in the process of conducting life. That is just silly. Why have me around if you do everything all by yourself? Doesn't that get old? Do you start to feel like a paycheck?

I am at a loss on this one. I must be doing something wrong.
I did my best to make FH feel loved and look what happened with that. Let me say, I was the breadwinner and there were times when he was unemployed. Yes, he had problems, but... did I fail to make him feel needed? Was I suppesed to do something that I didn't do?

Feedback.. please!!!

Danica

Confession Wednesday: I wasn't in love..

2005-12-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

I want my Wednesday posts to be "Open Mic Day"... meaning the day where I give a confession about something I want you to know about me and I allow myself to share with abadon. I think these will give you a better understanding to who I am and how I ended up being me. Some will be incredibly difficult to write and others will be a huge relief.

Wednesday's confession: I knew on the day I married FH I wasn't "in love with him."
SSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE QUIET!!!
I know. I know. All of you are saying, "then why the hell did you marry him?"

I married FH for mental reasons and not heart reasons, a mistake I will never make again. I "thought" through the process and "thought" about our friendship foundation. I "thought" about all his faults and came to a reasonable conclusion. My conclusion: I could live with him and deal with what came with him.

Or so I thought..
The sexless marriage part was not in the cards and there were no signs of such a crazy thing happening.

Since my divorce, I have decided to ONLY marry for heart reasons in the future. I want a heart-to-heart connection that is real. I want to love him like crazy with my heart AND my mind. I want to look at him and want to swallow him whole.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... what a man!

The question is.. can I find man who is willing to go there with me?

Danica

Kissing: It Unlocks the Soul

2005-12-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

The saying goes that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
I feel that kissing unlocks the soul. Don't you agree?
Something about the way we humans kiss.. it moves us.
Personally, it makes me open up and want eat the person I am kissing. I cannot get close enough to him. I want him to submerge his body into mine..

Thus.. my soul opens up.

Sigh..
I miss kissing.
It has been nine months since I kissed a man and well over a year since I REALLY kissed a man.

My lips are starving. For those of you who have the ability, remember to really kiss your partner. Their soul is crying out to you each and every time you do.

Danica

Breast Love

2005-11-30T07:23:00.000-08:00

Confession:

A few years ago I had a fling during a summer apprenticeship. He was the one guy in my life that I can recall who was absolutely crazy about my body and my shape. I never met a man like that before. He would send me emails and notes about my ass, my lips, my hair, my skin.. it was overwhelming at first, mostly because I thought he was pulling my leg.
I didn't know what to do with my feelings.

And then he he decided he wanted to touch me.
I will never forget the night it happened.

We had just arrived at a new location for study.
He came to my room.
I opened the door and let him in.
He said nothing.
I was in a pair of white silk pajamas.
He walked towards me and cut off the lamp as he passed by it. I backed away from him and hit the bed. He pushed me down and laid beside me (now remember.. it is dark in the room).
I felt his hand begin to unbutton my top. I started to shake, yet said nothing.
(I am getting wet just THINKING about it... gee..)

Finally, when my shirt was open, he began to slowly, and I mean very very slowl touch every inch of my size 38DD breasts.
He touched with the tips of his fingers... then the palm of his hands..
He blew on them..
He licked them..
He avoided my nipples completely at first.. ( a mistake COUNTLESS men make.. they automatically go for the nips). For what seemed like eternity, but was only 30 minutes, I laid there and just received.. something I have not done since.
He made love to my breasts! It was terrified yet.. near tears.

After a while I realized I was soaking wet.. I thought I might have accidentally peed or something. But I was just that excited and wet. When he finished, he lightly sucked both nipples for a bit, then slowly re-buttoned my blouse and left my room.

I laid there motionless.
My nipples were aching.
My pussy was drenched.
He moved me and made me actually receive pleasure in a new way.
I am pretty sure I had a orgasm of some form that night but didn't recognize it as anything more than my usual shudders. I bet with practice.. I might could have more of those orgasms.

For the remainder of the summer, we had such a good time together. I appreciate him. He made me feel so sexy and wanted.

How could I have evern thought FH was normal after an experience like that!

Breast love... anyone else enjoy it as muc as I do?

Danica

He Ain't Getting Any!!!!!

2005-11-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

I HATE HATE HATE this phrase with a passion.!!!!!!
All of us have heard it before...
Some of you NUMEROUS times on far too many times. And the majority of the recipients of this dagger to the heart are men who have done nothing more than try to show their love to the women in their lives through affection and sexual contact.

It is the phrase a woman uses when she has unilaterally decided her man is not getting any sex from her that day or that moment or for an undertermined length of time. She blurts it out to friends and family. She says it to her lover in anger or in haste. She spells it out with her eyes in all caps without opening her lips. SHEESH!!!!!
I hate this phrase! Four words of death! Death to an erection. Death to sexual connection!

"You are not getting any!"
"He ain't gettin any tonight!"
"He can try, but he ain't!"
"I am sick of him asking for sex all the time. Well.. I've got news for him.. he ain't gettin any this time."

Why? Why? Why??????????????????????
And since when did sex become a "no name" noun of refusal and pain designed to control and hurt?

Let me tell you why I hate this phrase on a personal level.
FH used to say it to me all the time. I know.. I know.. SHOCK! But yes, there are men out there who say such things. He would say it at night usually when I decided to cuddle up next to him in bed and touch him. He would let me feast on his skin for a while and then say, "You are not getting anything else. I am too tired/sleepy/too full/or not interested." It was at this point I would shrink back into my corner of the bed and cry myself to sleep or masturbate until I fell asleep. Crying was really stupid because I would have raccoon eyes the next morning and feel like crap.

"Any"...
I was his wife and was not good enough to get "any".
I wasn't worthy enough to be loved or to be given the opportunity to show him I liked and loved him.

"Any"...
Whatever it was I wanted or thought I wanted, it was off limits to me 99.9% of the time and no amount of cooking, cleaning, listening, gift purchases, or passivity when I was rightfully angry would help me earn enough points/checkmarks/stock or bonds to get .. "any."

To the women who are reading this, when you say these hurtful words to your man, please know you are crushing his spirit.
Do you know how much courage it takes to keep coming back over and over and over and over again to a wife or lover who is not interested in receiving your love and attention, much less giving any back in return?

Do you know how much it hurts to hear these words expressed to people outside the relationship in a boastful manner seemingly proud to have won the position of "judge and jury" as to when and if sex occurs in your household? Do you honestly think that is something to be proud of?

Do you know how this hurts?
Do you have "any" idea??
Have you thought about it for "any" length of time?

Countless women would kill to be in the shoes of a woman who has a man who actually desires her and no other. To be desired is to be wanted. I would much rather have a man who wants me versus needs me because if someone wants you, they usually do need you for reasons of choice versus reasons of necessity. When someone only needs you, it doesn't necessarily mean they want you. They could just be using you to get ahead or using you for what you do for them financially or for other reasons besides needing you for being you. To be wanted is to be loved... and to me that is more powerful.

If you are one of these women who doesn't get it, please rethink your language and your treatment of the man you say you love. Take a weekend to yourself at a bed and breakfast and meditate on the matter. Go somewhere and get yourself some clarity and fast!

To the men who use this phrase, I cannot even explain to you how it feels as a woman to be told no and pushed away like a nagging gnat...not without crying anyway. It makes me speechless when I try to wrap my mind around how I felt ... and I need to finish this post... so stiff upper lip Danica.. get a grip on yourself!

I know that those of you reading this right now probably don't need to hear my thoughts on this phrase because you enjoy sex and have partners that don't treat you this way. Thank you for reading anyway.

Guess who isn't getting "any" tonight?

(sigh)

Me... yet again!

Danica

Not A Single One!!!

2005-11-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

That is the number or orgasms, either vaginal or clitoral I had with FH.
Not a single solitary one.

He never cared whether I did nor not. Don't you think that is pretty sad?
I figured out quickly that his sexual knowledge was limited. Before we married, sex started out ok and I didn't want to pass judgment as I felt that would be unfalr. He acted like he was trying, but after five months of marriage, his interest stopped completely.

So what is a girl to do???????????????????
Any thoughts???????????????????

Well here was my bright idea at the time.
I made him my project.
I wanted to do what I could when I could to learn from him and through him using his sexual responses to me. I wanted to do everything in my power to please him sexually - orgasmically and otherwise. My goal was to make his orgasm different everytime if I could. I would occasionally ask him after sex or the next day or so how it was for him and if I could change things and make them better for him. He never said anything bad. He even made special requests!! He would say things like, "When you touched my leg, this happened." Or, "when you kissed me at that point, this happened." I took great joy in his comments. Finally, somebody was enjoying themselves when we had sex. The comments and appreciation was all I had to hold on to as a measurement of my progress. I paid attention the regulars: breathing, sounds, movements, heartrate, etc, but it meant more to me if he was able to say something to me about how it was for him. It was pretty awesome. I could be proud of me for... umm.. let's see.. about every eight to twelve weeks (on average that was the length of time between our sexual encounters). Now mind you, he got lots and lots of massages in between so I could fill my skin hunger and I would make attempts to please him orally, but I was always met with a quick "NO."

And so, this was my life for 2 solid years.
I watched him.
I listened to him.
I loved him.
I learned from and through him.

I tried to keep my head up with talks to myself when I felt myself getting selfish and resentful.. hoping that if I kept it up things would change. But they didn't. I had pretty much resigned myself to my life when he screwed up royally and made me rethink my dedication to him entirely.

Now... please don't think the reason I didn't cum was because I am not orgasmic.
I AM VERY VERY VERY ORGASMIC! I even think I am multi-orgasmic (did I just scream that from the rooftops or what??). I "tend" to my needs almost daily at this point and did the same while we were married. Most times I would masturbate beside him in bed. He never noticed.
I became quite trained at executing"silent nights" (there I go again using that song!).
Sadly, I have only had clitoral orgasms though. (It's ok vagina... don't cry. Keep hope alive).

Despite my best efforts and drive to please him, I did suffer a major consequence that I didn't discover until recently. I feel empowered that I can and want very much to please my partner.
I take enormous pride in being able to make him levitate off any hard or soft surface, but after nearly three years of hard study, I am uneasy to be with a partner who migh actually wish to do the same to me. I know.. it sounds really stupid. I think my neverousness is is because I am so used to the power/Alpha position and very UNused to feeling vulnerable. I am used to being in control of what happen and enjoying the responses I get when I do something my partner enjoys. I am not sure I could relax and enjoy. I would be too scared he was doing something he didn't want to do, or getting bored, or not enjoying himself, or possibly thinking, "I hope she cums quickly so we can get back to me cause I REALLY like it when she does X,Y, or Z.."
I would constantly be trying to read his face and seep into his brain to make sure he wasn't upset. Maybe in time that will change, but I doubt it at this point.

I guess I thought most men took pride and went to great strides to make sure he could please his woman or at least give it his best shot. I know I am not wrong, but you can understand how I began to doubt that notion.

For now, I have to be content taking care of myself.

Men of the blog world, would it bother you if your lover never had an orgasm with you? Wouldn't you wonder about things?
Would it bother you if she focused on you the way I focused on FH?

These responses should be quite enlightening.

Danica

My Hungry Skin

2005-11-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

My skin is soooooooooooo hungry.
I mean it is STARVING!!!!
I am completely MALNOURISHED!!!

That is one of the things about divorce and the ending of a relationship....the touching stops.
You don't get touched or get to touch as much as you used to if at all on a daily basis.

I have a confession.
I have a disease.
It's called skin hunger. I LOVE to touch and I LOVE to be touched.
It is probably the most basic necessity we have as humans, but I think my need is extraordinary... at least 100 times the normal woman. I WUV it!!! Somehow I got a larger amount. God must have left me in the "touch cooker" way to long.

Despite the fact FH touched me very little and when he did it was with much trepidation and disinterest, I used to knead FH's ass all the time and he enjoyed it. I would give him massages from head to toe, hug and kiss him before and after work, and do all those "affirming touches" in the car and in public. My fingers needed to feel something and often I would speak through them as to how I was feeling at the moment. SKIN!!!!!!! I love it!

As of late, I have found that being near a man gives me goosebumps and good grief don't let him smell good or have sexy hands or be dressed well.
MMMMMM... I could just eat hm UP! Literally!!!

I saw a man last week in the mall and I swear if he had been in an isolated part of the store, I would have dropped to my knees, pulled down his pants and sucked him dry ON THE SPOT!!
He was so sexy.
Pretty hands...
Nice hair cut...
Clean face...
40's...
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
I just wanted a little bitty tiny taste!!!!
I wouldn't have followed him home.. I promise!

Last night I left work after a long day and I horny has hell...
My first thought was, "Crap, I am horny and no one is around."
My second thought was, "Oh well, I will do what I always do."
But I am tired of "what I always do". I want something new and improved! I want something real with a cock attached.

If only ...
If only I had a partner at home waiting for me last night...
I would have called him with a warning, "I am coming home. You better watch out! You better not cry!! I am tying you up and having you for dinner! Get ready!"
There would have been NO hope for him whatsoever. He would have been toast.
TOAST! TOAST! I WANT TOAST!

For now, I am toastless.

Danica

Should I have married FH???

2005-11-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

One piece of clarity I got from my divorce is this: Should is not what is.

He "should" have been different.
He "should" have wanted to have sex with me.
He "should" have worked hard and matched my interests in our marriage and loving each other. I "should" have tried harder.
I "should" have been more patient.
I "should" have been sexier.

What was or "is" ... is the fact I married a person who was incapable of loving and had sexual issues and was not willing to learn differently or at least try.

Here is what else I knew at the time:

1. I knew we were friends.
2. I knew we liked each other.
3. I knew we were an excellent team.
4. I knew we were intellectually on the same planet.
5. I knew he tried hard in life.
6. I knew his faults and the issues he faced with his family.
7. I knew our differences.
8. I knew.. or thought I knew he loved me.
9. I knew he was an organized man with the ability to make good decisions (although often selfish ones)
10. And finally, I knew that with all of this knowledge in my head, nothing is absolute or guaranteed in life or marriage. All I could do was give it my best shot.

I knew all this and still it wasn't enough to help him realize I loved him in spite of all the challenges he had personally or we had as a couple. When things started to change, I did start to question if I made the right decision to love him and marry him. But I quickly decided that I had made the right decision to marry, but I was in my marriage completely alone.

Ok.. what sense does that make?

What I am trying to say is the decision to marry and going through with it in and of itself is not bad. Marriage is the joining of two hearts with good intentions and high hopes for a unified future. I certainly had high hopes for us and for him as an individual. I believed in him and wanted the best for him. The marriage from my side was fine. It was his lack of interest that was the problem.

Sitting here today, after my divorce and with everything settled, do I regret marrying FH?
No.

Was he the wrong man for me?
Absolutely.

Does this make sense? Gosh I hope so...
Tell me if it doesn't..

Danica

A Sexually Conscious Woman.... That's ME!!

2005-11-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

HOORAY!!!!!! That's me.

I am completely and unapologetically sexually conscious and awake.. as opposed to being sexually-unconscious and asleep.

I think so many women are sexually unconscious... literally snoring through their sexual lives. They are not at all plugged into what makes them women and how they can enjoy the God-given right to have orgasms and be close to another human being. I do feel some are close to being conscious, but not close enough. Some are aware of their sexuality, yet unwilling to explore it. Others, whether through their life experiences such as abuse or bad sexual experiences, teachings, and other fears, are unable to perceive such consciousness as anything positive and are unwilling to think otherwise. This particular group makes me the saddest because their sexual views are often no fault of their own.

In my humble opinion, to be sexually-conscious has two parts... like a two-part test in the law.
The first part is having an awareness of one's surroundings, sensations, and thoughts before, during and after sex and every moment in between. You have to be alert to the fact such sexual vibrations exist for you and how you feel when they occur. Further, one has to want to be in the position to feel them... meaning THE WOMAN NEEDS TO WANT TO HAVE SEX AND FEEL SEXUAL!!! (Sorry.. hormones slipping out again.. it happens when I haven't masturbated for more than 48 hours).

I think a woman can possess Part One only and enjoy sex just fine. At least she can have orgasms and want to have sex in order to experience them. But I don't think that is enough, which is why I think there is a Part Two.

Part Two to being sexually conscious is the most ignored and unappreciated of the two parts.
Part Two is where a woman intentionally and deliberately involves herself in the sexual relationship with her lover and becomes a student of his needs. She is attentive and mindful of his needs and how they relate to that person as a sexual sexual being. She is aware of his changing needs. She is taking mental notes. She explores his boundaries. She helps him open up. She comforts him as his partner. She is his soft place to fall. She gives of herself - mind, body, and soul with the intent of loving him more and more each day. It is a daily commitment that takes dedication and energy.

I think some women are aware there is a Part Two, but don't really embrace it fully or recognize the power it brings in a relationship. Why is that?

This very test applies to men as well, but in this post, I am addressing women only...since I happen to be one... I think... let me check (smile).
Men.. I will get to you in a later post. Same test, different thoughts. Stay tuned..

For today, I have concluded that FH was sexually unconscious. In fact, he was probably darn near asexual. Still, sometimes I could see bits and pieces of a sexuality inside him. But the pieces refused to come out and play... no matter how much I pleaded with them to come and play with me (sigh). Did they hate me? Were they scared of me?

The best part is he is no longer my concern or worry. The worst part is I have no one to play with anymore.

Does anyone have any comments for this sexually-conscious and proud creature?

Let me have um!

Danica

When Silence Is Deafening...

2005-11-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Silence...

Silence provides an opportunity for personal reflection and self-assessment.
Silence makes us take notice of what we may have been ignoring prior to its beginning.
It helps us think.
It can inspire us.
It can make us sad in that we miss what normally fills the void of silence with noise, communication, or company.
Personally, I love quiet.

But you want to know the one situation in which I absolutely unequivocally abhor silence????
Wanna know???

I hate silence when I am giving my lover a blowjob.

In all the years of my marriage, I begged, pleaded and negotiated with FH for the opportunity to suck him. Why? Because I love to please and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have pleased my lover. Aside from that, I love the taste of a man. I love the feel of a man. I love the power and satisfaction I have when my hands and mouth can do to him what he probably enjoys most in the world next to food and sleep. I love loosing myself in what I am doing and I do mean LOOSING myself. How so you ask? Well let's just say I had a lover who I sucked and teased for well over an hour (and for those of you who just thought to yourselves, "OVER AN HOUR????GOSH!!!! HOW DID HE KEEP AN ERECTION THAT LONG???" Well, the blowjob with accompanied touches and caresses lasted that long and I took him from before erection through erection and to ejaculation.. and I eventually pulled myself away... eventually).
It is something I really do enjoy and make no bones about it. Oh how I miss a hard cock... I was sexless before, but now I am really sexless... HELP!!!

Sorry.. getting back on track.. FH said that blowjobs didn't turn him on and that it wasn't me, it was him. I asked him several times both verbal and written. I got the same response.
Mind you, I never asked him to please me. My questions and inquiries were simply for his pleasure only.

Finally, I came up with a plan that I thought would help him get over his fear and convince him that I really really wanted to please him in this way. Here was the plan:

I talked him into letting me give him oral pleasure every day for a week. Each day, it was up to him as to the time and the place and how long it lasted. But on the seventh day, I would be allowed to choose when and where and if I swallowed (which I knew I would). He FINALLY agreed and literally my mouth started watering when he said yes.

The next night was day one. That night he said he was ready. I went upstairs and should have known right then that it would NOT be a good night. FH was naked and laying across the bed. The lights were out, but the room had an aroma of fear. I ignored my self-conscious thoughts and didn't hesitate as I didn't want him to change his mind. I dropped to my knees and went to work. The taste... the smell.. the feel... I had waited so long for that moment. HOORAY!!!!

But as I licked him...
And and as I sucked him...
I noticed he wasn't saying anything. He wasn't moaning or groaning. He wasn't even moving.
There was no noise and no response to me, my hands or my mouth.
I took this as a challenge and kept going, but not allowing myself to get completely lost as I needed to pay attention to him.
Time passed.
Still nothing.
For over half an hour FH laid there in silence as I sucked him.
It was the loudest silence ever.
I wanted to just cry.

I finally decided that he was not having a good time. I stopped and did what he normally required in order to cum. When he came, he came rather hard, but it didn't help because my feelings were already smashed. He collapsed from exhaustion and I cried myself to sleep in my pillow. Needless to say, the seven day plan failed horribly and I never metioned oral sex again.

In my opinion, rejection that is communicated through silence is probably the most devastating. You have no idea what is going on in your lover's head and they are keeping all verbal encouragement or punishment away from you. You work harder, but to no avail. You keep thinking it is you and you must be doing something wrong. You rearrange your approach and redirect your attention. You recalculate.
Still.. nothing.

Emily Dickinson said, "saying nothing ... somtimes says the most." Under most circumstances, I agree silence shows power and composure and would be hard to ignore or refute. But in the case of sexual satisfaction and intimacy, silence can kill a person's confidence as well as create distance and lack of trust that didn't exist prior.

On than night, I realized I had failed with my plan and failed to help him. I knew instantly how millions of men in this country feel when their wives reject them verbally or through cold and lackluster responses. I promised to never make anyone else feel how I felt that night.

I know I have failed at many things.
I have made my fair share of mistakes.
But the silence I received in return for my gift of love was like nothing I had ever experienced.
I certainly hope that my future relationships are not like this, but honestly, it will take more for me to open up and let my complete self show in terms of sex and pleasure. I will have questions and doubts and the fear of another "silent night" will always be looming in my mind.

(sigh...)

And with that, I will be silent and listen to your thoughts.

Danica

My Story.... Just the Facts Darling...

2005-11-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

I could write all night about my marriage. But what matters now are the important and most recent facts only. I was married. I have no kids. I am now divorced. I left my ex (whom we will refer to as FH ...for "First Husband" as I fully expect and desire to have a "Second Husband"). Why did I leave him? I thought you would never ask!

I had a sexless marriage. It went sexless pretty quickly, within the first six months. Making love was rare.. Every three to four months, if I was lucky.
I tried.
I begged.
I cried.

I talked.
I wrote.
I discussed.

I wondered.
I hoped.
I prayed.

Notice each statement started with "I". I was the only interested party in sex and the only one who ever brough it up. I was the initiator 99.6% of the time. It was exhausting and my dirty little secret. I felt translucent to the world, but specifically to every man on the planet. I mean, if the man I loved could see through me, so could everyone else because he was supposed to love me, desire me, and cherish me.. right? And I did have rings on my fingers that supposedly said, "I am a woman, but taken. Approach with Caution". Honestly, some days I felt like dropping to my knees and sucking the first willing man just to prove to myself that there was nothing wrong with me or to hear someone say it was ok that I enjoyed sex and pleasing a man.

Then.. it hit me. It wasn't MY problem. It was him. It had to be. What normal man with a normal or at least somewhat normal sexdrive, would say no CONSTANTLY to a blowjob and/or sex? What man would tell his wife he was too hungry, to sleepy, to busy, to stressed out for sex.. and tell her this weekly if not daily? If you are one of those men, raise your had right now and tell me why. I really need a hint here and some direction.

Moving on...
I eventually accepted that it wasn't my fault. It was at that point I had a decision to make - I could either live out the remainder of my life with a man unable to connect with me or leave and find another who could. It was pretty simple. I didn't confuse the matter with loving him or the fact we were friends. All of that was still fact and had not changed, but I wanted and needed more from my husband.

FH has issues. I dont know them all. The best I can tell, his perfectionistic approach to life did not allow him to expose and explore his sexual self. He felt he was not a good lover. The truth be told, he wasn't. He had no patience and no enthusiasm. When he touched me, it felt like the last thing he wanted to do and eventually, it became the very thing he never did. I spent most of our lovemaking touching and loving him. Talk about rejection....

So, I told him it was over and that he should leave. I asked for a divorce. He didn't fight me, but he claimed he loved me and "acted" very hurt throughout the process. I was so confused. I was freeing him from the bombardment of ME and MY sex drive and MY wants in life and marriage with little fuss. No more requests for counseling. No more "just tell me what to do" talks. He was free. And now, it is over.

Those are the facts. I will refer to FH often. He helped bring clarity in my wants and needs as a woman and an admitted and unashamed fan of intimacy and sex (GO SEX!!!! I am quite the slut as you will see). I have learned many lessons. I will share and want your thoughts.

But I will also tell you about the other men who have helped shape my views and feelings, two of which are most important. I will also discuss women, hurt, fantasies, and fears.

For today, I know that nothing happens until we decide.
Nothing.
I decided I wanted more.
I feel l I have so much to give. I wanted someone who wanted me.
Is that so terrible?

Talk to me...

Danica

I Finally Did It...

2005-11-03T19:45:00.000-08:00

I finally did it. I decided to start a blog and share with all of you in blog world what goes on in my head and my heart.

So much to say....
So much to share...

Will you join me?

Danica